I look at my phone and notice that I missed a call from our case worker. There is no voicemail so I calm my self down with "she just needs some info". Two hours later I cant take the not knowing and call her back and calmly ask if she needed something. She says she left a message (got to love cell phone service) about a placement, she gives all the info and of course I want to say YES! but I, not so calmly this time, tell her I will call her back as soon as I talk with the family. After little discussion and quick to the point prayer we all decide yes. That is when the emotions start...a roller coaster of happy to sad to guilt. How can I be happy for myself when my happiness is based on someone elses bad decisions, poor life, and rotten luck. We have the joy of caring for this beautiful amazing baby but only because bio-moms life is a wreck. My heart breaks for her but it also breaks for baby and mothering instinct kicks in and I just want to protect baby from the one person that should love baby. As I was struggling with my happiness, sadness, guilt I was reminded of a statement in a book I just finished on prayer. The writer was talking about childlike faith in prayer and said that when you see a fire truck and pray "Dear God not my house" it is childlike faith, you are not praying for it to be someone elses' house you are just asking your Father for it not to be yours. Mature faith is when the prayer after the not my house is one of help for whose house it is. I did not ask for God to put a baby in a family of drugs, alcohol, rape, abuse, prostitution, or death just so I could have it. But reality is those things happen and for me to have joy that I can be part of God's plan to help baby's life be a little more safe and sane is not wrong. I just pray that I can now learn the mature faith and next step of praying for mom even if it means loosing baby. That is my struggle now. I don't want mom to live the life she has and I know the only way she will change is through Christ, but the thought of loosing baby is heart breaking, although a little less so If we loose baby because of a spiritual, life altering change in mom. If we get that opportunity I hope we see the chance and take it.
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